I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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