Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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