remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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