just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
