I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
