She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All the doctor said was why
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
