What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
