I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Even my vagina gasped.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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