wrigley field is MILF paradise
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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