just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
