I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
