So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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