is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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