My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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