we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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