I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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