My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
