Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
