it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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