she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
