Swine flu is the new snow day.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
