I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
