I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
