I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
