what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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