If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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