you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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