the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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