life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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