Soap is not a condiment
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im holly from the hills drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
