He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
