so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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