so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
