Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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