Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
they need to just BURY HIM!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
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