I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize