after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
