VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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