he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
