gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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