You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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