i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
