I'll bet she douches with gravy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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