I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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