so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
