the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
