I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't put those talents on a resume
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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