he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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