i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
