dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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