My liver just broke up with me...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
