was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The air was thick with penises
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
