can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
