Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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